I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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