I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
