Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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