I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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