Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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