Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
