Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Randomize
