I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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