At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
