I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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