Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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