i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
