Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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