I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
What drink are we having for lunch?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
