I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
