I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
