She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
