dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
