He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
