If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
