I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
