I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
