His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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