ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
