Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
