Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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