The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Use "feeling words"
Yay
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
It's shark week go big or go home
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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