If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
