why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
