don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
