What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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