He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
