the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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