my vag is so smooth its legendary
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
