Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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