Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
