Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
