Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
