if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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