Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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