Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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