Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
