SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
