this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
