what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just want nice things and good sex
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
