Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
