god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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