what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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