mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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