i barfeds in our rink
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
