Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Apparently you make a good broom.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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