If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
